'The Kissing Caucus' : Romance & the ALP's leadership strife?

As the government, opposition and armchair pundits alike decry the current instability in Labor leadership for its obscuring effect on the smooth running of the country, malcontents like myself see the turmoil as a welcome change to the usual banality of public life.

The media know it and so do I : people love conflict. Sometimes it's even incumbent on the free press to get in their 'participatory democracy' style and stir up a little argy bargy to get things going; after all, objectivity is not only theoretically impossible but also really dull...

So after months of speculation, rumours and political posturing KRudd has finally made his move and resigned as Foreign Minister (don't worry Rudd family, Dad's frequent flyer account is still looking healthy).

Given the way the process has unfolded over the past few months, I think KRudd's 'soap opera' description is pretty close to the mark. Maybe 'sit-com' would be more appropriate. The tension between the leading lady and man has gradually built, spurred on by the catcalls and jibes from anonymous bit players, until finally the (sexual/electoral) frustration hit a boiling point and we witnessed the equivalent of their on-screen kiss (Rudd's resignation and Gillard's counter call for a leadership ballot). This is a metaphor. For those who would like to see them actually kiss, please refer to the photo below..

http://www.heraldsun.com.au/news/cold-comfort-in-gillard-rudd-kiss/story-e6frf7jo-1226165304580 Using a trick that many boys figure out in high school, KRudd cunningly conceals his excitement with an exercise book.

"Can you take this whole sex/romance analogy further?" I hear you ask. Hey, it's the blogosphere, let's go crazy! OFAMV brings you The Saga of Kevin & Julia, perhaps the most turbulent romance since Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh famously exchanged smouldering looks in Gone With the Wind.

• PART I: The Honeymoon Years

Who can forget those halcyon days when KRudd, with the full support of a good woman behind him (two, if you count Therese Rein in addition to his dazzling Deputy), filled with the euphoric confidence that a new romance brings, was livin' large and showing that guys called Kevin who wore spectacles could still be cool. They could even have their own rhyming slogans! It's pretty much the political equivalent of spontaneous public lovemaking and pet-names.

Our fearless PM showed us he had the balls to boost troop numbers in Afghanistan and drop S-bombs on national TV. If you don't believe just check out this clip (note how the ladies swoon at Kev's tough talk):

 

But KRudd wasn't military might and mouthing off, he also showed his sensitive side by ratifying the Kyoto Protocol, apologising the the Aboriginal Stolen Generations and giving us all some money to spend on something pretty. What a nice, caring man!

• PART II: Losing the Upper Hand

Ultimately, Kevin's kind nature may have been his undoing. As his stock plummeted among the public and his party over the perceived failings of his Emissions Trading Scheme, Home Insulation Scheme and other assorted schemes, his rusty-headed 2IC began to get itchy feet, like a trophy wife promised a Caribbean cruise having to settle for a punt around he Pumicestone Passage in your mate's dingy. Kevin had lost the all-important 'Upper Hand'. People were even calling him 'Kevin 0 Lemon' - cruelly using his own slogan against him. Jesus wept.

• PART III: Hos before Bros a.k.a The Ultimate Cock-blocking

cock block (v.) any action that impedes or stalls another's "game", "mack", or "pimp maneuver" (from urbandictionary.com)

With feminism's Third Wave taking on tsunami-like proportions women around the world are beginning to enter the top positions in governments and corporations on a worldwide scale. While women and enlightened men cry "Hear hears" and "You go girls!", spare a thought for KRudd, for whom the thought of a betrayal spearheaded by his very own 'Little Red' was the last thing he expected. To complete the picture of the traditional gender stereotypes turned on their head, Kev appeared on TV supported by his BFFs and cried like a little... person, before heading back to the lodge for one last time, where he spent the evening eating ice-cream in his tracksuit pants while watching Sister Act.

 

• PART IV: The Stay at Home Husband

With Julia now wearing the Prime Ministerial pant-suits, poor old Kev had to preoccupy himself with entertaining foreign dignitaries with tea and biscuits. He tried going to the strip club again but in his emasculated position it just seemed farcical. While KRudd put on a brave face for the cameras, he was hurting inside. It was only a matter of time before cracks in the facade of his relationship with the Old Lady began to show...

• PART V: The Pre-Emptive Breakup

Kevin knew it was wrong to bitch to the other MPs about his relationship; after all many of them were mutual friends and in a place as boring as Canberra, people do tend to gossip. By early '12, five years since his heyday, the fact that their tenuous affair was on the rocks was public knowledge. Knowing it was only a matter of time before he got DUMPED for real, by resigning as Foreign Minister KRudd pulled a desperate move known as the 'Pre-Emptive Breakup'. Watch as another notable bespectacled chap cottons on to this concept:

• PART VI: Moving On

OK, that that pretty much brings you all up to the current day with this whole ALP-leadership-battle-as-a-relationship analogy, and if you aren't convinced yet as to it metaphorical air-tightness consider these points:

* During the press conference in which he announced his resignation he said "There's no way I would ever be party to a stealth attack on a sitting prime minister elected by the people", which is kind of the political equivalent of a passive-aggressive post break-up line like "I'm not saying he's a loser, I know you're friends with the guy... I guess some people are happy having no prospects, and that's fine."

* Now that a leadership poll has been announced, Labor's 103 MPs and Senators will have to pledge their support for either Kevin or Julia. There's no compromise, no each way bet (now we'll find out exactly whose these "faceless men" are). This mirrors exactly what any peer group effectively has to do after a nasty break-up between two mutual friends.

CASE CLOSED.

Ironically, the 'Faceless Men of the Labor Party' are clearly distinguished by their conspicuous lack of facial features.